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Demons V Dreams

Image result for dreams

If I am completely honest I have been struggling recently with the ‘parents to be x 2; babies to be loved x 0’ scenario in our life at the moment. Every month it gets harder and harder. What makes it harder is so many people around me are pregnant, falling pregnant, having babies or filling my news feed with continuous updates on how their beautiful (and they really are beautiful) babies are growing and developing. Now please don’t get me wrong I am not one of these women that resent other women for being able to produce miracles. I love it when I hear the great news – more so if it’s someone within my close circle of family and friends because it’s another wee crazy for me to love, cuddle, play with, spoil and be crazy aunty Gemma. To be frank I resent myself for it.

So this has been the case for the past few weeks, the struggle gets heavier and heartbreak unbearable. Then on Tuesday night I had the most surreal dream. It was one of those ‘Virtual Reality Dreams’ where it feels so realistic; you feel what you are touching in the dream, you feel the emotions of the dream and you even mirror the actions of the dream (whilst freaking your hubby out who is just trying to sleep).

So here is that dream:- I was looking down at my stomach and raised my head, I looked back down and in a matter of seconds my stomach was swollen. BAM!!! A big swollen ball – I think to myself why am I so bloated? I reach down and touch my stomach and there’s movement. I’m not quite sure what it is so I feel around and then there’s continuous bumps to my hand as I explore. Then it dawns on me there’s a baby in there and it’s kicking me to let me know ‘mummy I’m here’. I’m finally having a baby. So excited I run to my husband grabbing his hands to feel our miracle. I’ve finally done it. It was a wriggler and I could really feel it move. 

Then I get rushed to the hospital, I’m bleeding. I’m in a fit of panic, I’m repeatedly telling doctors and nurses ‘My baby is coming’. ‘My baby is coming’. ‘It has to come!’ They calm me down repeatedly telling me ‘it’s ok, it’s not time yet but it will be very soon, very soon.’ The dream then jumps to me being in bed, frantically adjusting myself to accommodate my baby bump.

SO much so I actually woke myself up from my dream, frantically tossing and turning whilst holding what was my dream baby bump. Maybe thanks to my subconscious but I could still feel the impact of the baby kicking in my hands. It was one of those dreams you wake from and think ‘what the….’ but then as I do, my overly creative brain began to analyse it.

I have always believed in the power of dreams just as much as I believe that although my wee granny is no longer here physically she is always with me spiritually and I have found comfort thinking maybe the dream was my granny Mamie’s way of letting me know it’s coming, your nearly there – just hold on a bit longer.

In love there is power – that power that will give you that boost of strength you need to make it to the finishing line. I am so grateful to surrounded by so much love – finishing line let’s be having you!!!!

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Has Anyone Seen My Mojo???

Struggling to get back to the healthy eating plan.... HELP!!!

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1 Reason Why….. 

I’m sure many people on here like me are joining the ’13 Reasons Why’ fan club but it is something that will hit home with so many of us. It certainly has with me.

Over the years I have been subjected to the abysmal side of other people’s opinions. It resulted in this stereotypical bubbly, outgoing big girl suffering from bad anxiety. It ranged from being criticised for having tattoos, for growing up in a rough area, for being Scottish, for being different, for being arty farty, for not being Nigerian and marrying a Nigerian but most of all for being overweight. 

There are so many times I was criticised for my weight that I couldn’t possibly list them all. What I can say though is every snaring look, every comment, the laughter, the strangers that recorded me whilst I having fun with my friends, the people I grew up with through school hiding from me and I only noticed you because you were hiding and the guys that felt the need to be honest about how they really liked me but nothing could happen because of my size. 

I had always been that person that despite all that people saw as being wrong with me I pushed through, I held my head up for as long as I could, I hid the reality of my anxiety to all around me, even when I struggled to leave my house. Sometimes though your shoulders can only take so much weight.

Have you ever felt this way? If you have like me here is 1 Reason Why you shouldn’t give up….. 

‘you are loved’

I know it’s hard but amongst all the hate in this world there is no greater feeling than feeling loved. It doesn’t need to be the love you feel with a boyfriend/ girlfriend/ husband or wife, it can be a parents love, the love between siblings, a best friend or even a colleague.

Look beyond all the hatred and you will see the love. I have endured hatred with that asshole standing with his friends filming you dancing and laughing, in that same instance I felt the love of my friend kicking him to protect me in her way. 

All of those guys that thought I had the right to know that I wasn’t an option for them because I’m soooo amazing but fat. Believe me guys 99% of the time you were never, ever an option for me either. But the love I feel when my husband looks at me surpasses all negative thoughts I have endured and I got to my largest with him.

Just remember most hatred stems from someone’s own self hatred. Don’t let their opinions leave you wallowing in self pity see the greatestness in yourself, see the love around you and be the greatest you can be. 

The truth is as long as people have mouths they will run them off and as cheesy as this quote may seem it is true. It is so relevant in my life because when shit does get real and the burden is heavy I dance – I mean literally dance my ass off. 

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.

If in doubt reach out guys someone will be loving you more than you know.

Low Syn Blueberry and White Chocolate Chocolate Cheesecake

A delicious low syn cheesecake

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Half Way There – Sugar Free Feb…..

Sugar free February - my journey so far.

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Sweet Potato ‘Guacamole’

Let me be honest firstly, guacamole will never be guacamole without avocado but this syn free alternative is fresh, tasty and has a kick. 

I was making a sweet potato dish tonight and decided to play about with the extra sweet potato I had and this is what i came up with. It was very tasty and a great accompaniment to our mexican themed dinner. 

Ingredients:
2 sweet potatoes 

1 spring onion

Juice and zest of 1/2 lime

1/2 tsp garlic granules

1/2 tsp paprika

1/2 tsp chilli flakes

Handful of fresh coriander (finely chopped)

1 tomato

Pinch of salt and ground white pepper

Method:

Pierce the sweet potatoes with a fork and microwave until soft. Scoop out the insides and put in mixing bowl. Add in the lime juice and zest and mix well. Finely chop the spring onion and tomato and add these. 

I then added all of the other ingredients mixed it well and hey presto – yes it’s that easy.

Let me know what you think… 

Desperation of getting to that next target….

getting-to-target

Sugar Free February…

All in aid of a great cause

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Doodling my frustrations…

pen to paper to ease my thoughts through doodles

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Well OMG I won Miss Slinky 2016

Right now I feel so overwhelmed with winning this amazing award… I feel like I just won a blooming Oscars award. 
It’s also the first time I have ever posted anything on my Facebook page about my weight loss journey and by God my phone hasn’t stopped. 😂 it’s all very lovely really – I have had such a major boost tonight and the fact that I woke up feeling like a hot air balloon (bloated)…. That horrible fat day feeling has dissolved, it’s became irrelevant and I have found some clarity in that I’m not where I wanted to be at this point but I have came far and I will go further. I’m just hoping the rest of my journey is on a Harley and not a wee scooter.

It all adds up and makes a difference… 😘😘😘

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