Anyone that reads my blog will know my story is about changing my life to conceive and have our baby. So this is the hardest post I have to date and will probably ever have to write. I am writing this however in the hope to start helping me heal emotionally.
As I type this message I am lay in my hospital bed bawling my eyes out. My reason for crying this morning is waking to a very beautiful message from one of our friends down south. They say in times like these you see how much you are loved. We are very grateful for the love that we have been shown so far by the few that know.
To my husband Ebi you have been my strength and you have dug your way out of inches of snow with a wooden coat hanger just to be by my side. You have never made me feel like less of a woman for not giving you children and this still hasn’t changed now.
Early hours of Wednesday morning I was woken up with bad cramps, I thought maybe because I hadn’t been to the toilet in a few days (being on Slimming World) this happens from time to time. So I took so ducolax and was up and down all night with some pain. By the time Wednesday morming had came I got up and the snow was really bad – snow day. I tried to work from home but couldn’t get my laptop to work but I felt horrible. I tried to sleep it off but as the day went on I lost all energy and I was in complete agony in my abdomen. I couldn’t lie on my back without screaming in pain and I was throwing even water up.
I tried to go to the toilet and was woke up by fainting on the floor and being surrounded by my sister, brother and husband throwing water in my face. I fainted another time later that day. I lost all colour and had no energy.
Eventually an on call doctor came out 1am Thursday morning and assessed that she believed I had pneumonia. She instructed I stay in bed she was phoning an ambulance.
So fast forward to 5.15am Thursday morning where I get to Crosshouse Hospital in Kilmarnock. Now I will forever be indepted to the staff that with there knowledge, kindest and quick thinking saved my life. I can’t remember all of their names but I will never forget you.
The first nurse waiting one was the first to ask if I could be pregnant and the first to mention an ectopic pregnancy. I never thought I could be as I done a test a couple of weeks ago and had my periods. We’ve been trying for nearly seven years, it was just normal to hope we were and get a negative test. You got me to do a urine sample anyway.
It was your perfect bedside manner and you quick thinking that set the doctor up to look for what you thought. He confirmed I had a positive test, oh my God when they words came out I was so instantly happy. At points I have felt like I would never hear those words. Within a second though my world came crashing down when you told me truth and prepared for the worse in losing our long awaited baby.
I had to tell Ebi. I have tried to conjure up so many scenarios over the years if we got pregnant how could I reveal it to him in the best way. Here I was lying in pain explaining to you we were finally pregnant but we were probably going to lose it. You still tried to stay optimistic all the way through. You never know just how much I love you, I swear.
By I was taken for a scan and the pain disappeared as I searched the screen for our baby and then along with the staff we found it sat outside my womb and it was confirmed our baby was in the wrong place. There was a lovely nurse from the labour ward who I saw felt my emotional pain but she made me feel better in a weird way. She made me smile in amongst all of the panic and up heavel. She told me she had some sexy stockings and a nighty with a friendly wee wink as she dressed me.
Now with the quick actions of the hospital within half of an hour of confirming I had an ectopic pregnancy I was in theatre having emergency surgery.
I had a ruptured left fallopian tube and lost over 3 litres of blood that had been sat in my abdomen causing me the severe pain. My husband met the surgeon who carried out my operation yesterday and he confirmed it was very close. I nearly died. I have had blood transfusions and I am hoping I can get home but what a whirlwind this has been.
We have lost our first baby but I am alive. Thanks to the doctors and all of the nurses who have surrounded me and saved my life.
To my family and friends who have shown your love and support in your actions and your messages. We love you.
TO OUR BABY, I AM SO SORRY WE WILL NEVER GET TO MEET YOU BUT KNOW WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. WE MAY HAVE LOST YOU BUT WE WILL ALWAYS CARRY YOU WITH US.
Good bye our wee Cherub