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I appreciate, admire & adore you

In the same month that we have lost our baby I celebrate you. I celebrate you more today for your birthday but not one day goes past that I am not thankful for having you as my partner in crime.

We have our ups and downs like anyone else but we are kindred spirits. It amazes me how nearly seven years into our marriage we still spontaneously hit out with the same things, we can both react to the exact same part small part of a song and we have the same vision and goals.

This is how we work but let me tell you why I love you. I love how you have no blame; we have tried for what seems to be forever to have our own baby and never once have you blamed me even though it is my fault. You’ve never gave me any pressure, you have only loved me.

I love how you make me laugh and how I can be my real (and I mean really real) inner crazy with you and you can be a weirdo with me. It makes me fall in love with you more and more and pee my pants at times with the uncontrollable laughter.

I love how you are my reasoning. This is in regards to my shopping habits. But what I love the most is the times when you try to convince me not to buy something and when I do you admire it the most. Like the light shade we bought for the bedroom. You stood for ages admiring it when I put it up. This always makes me laugh.

I love the trust you have in me. You trust me unconditionally. Even when I constantly buy spray paint for yet another restoration project. You trust me taste and you are my biggest fan for all my creative endeavours.

You support me through my life choices and we put our heads together and make things work. You respect my opinion and seek in everything.

I love how many things pull couples apart but we seem to get stronger. Everything we went through this month could have torn us apart but I can honestly say I have fallen even more in love with you.

I appreciate, admire & adore you. Happy birthday to you my better half.

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Near Death and the Loss of our First Baby

Anyone that reads my blog will know my story is about changing my life to conceive and have our baby. So this is the hardest post I have to date and will probably ever have to write. I am writing this however in the hope to start helping me heal emotionally.

As I type this message I am lay in my hospital bed bawling my eyes out. My reason for crying this morning is waking to a very beautiful message from one of our friends down south. They say in times like these you see how much you are loved. We are very grateful for the love that we have been shown so far by the few that know.

To my husband Ebi you have been my strength and you have dug your way out of inches of snow with a wooden coat hanger just to be by my side. You have never made me feel like less of a woman for not giving you children and this still hasn’t changed now.

Early hours of Wednesday morning I was woken up with bad cramps, I thought maybe because I hadn’t been to the toilet in a few days (being on Slimming World) this happens from time to time. So I took so ducolax and was up and down all night with some pain. By the time Wednesday morming had came I got up and the snow was really bad – snow day. I tried to work from home but couldn’t get my laptop to work but I felt horrible. I tried to sleep it off but as the day went on I lost all energy and I was in complete agony in my abdomen. I couldn’t lie on my back without screaming in pain and I was throwing even water up.

I tried to go to the toilet and was woke up by fainting on the floor and being surrounded by my sister, brother and husband throwing water in my face. I fainted another time later that day. I lost all colour and had no energy.

Eventually an on call doctor came out 1am Thursday morning and assessed that she believed I had pneumonia. She instructed I stay in bed she was phoning an ambulance.

So fast forward to 5.15am Thursday morning where I get to Crosshouse Hospital in Kilmarnock. Now I will forever be indepted to the staff that with there knowledge, kindest and quick thinking saved my life. I can’t remember all of their names but I will never forget you.

The first nurse waiting one was the first to ask if I could be pregnant and the first to mention an ectopic pregnancy. I never thought I could be as I done a test a couple of weeks ago and had my periods. We’ve been trying for nearly seven years, it was just normal to hope we were and get a negative test. You got me to do a urine sample anyway.

It was your perfect bedside manner and you quick thinking that set the doctor up to look for what you thought. He confirmed I had a positive test, oh my God when they words came out I was so instantly happy. At points I have felt like I would never hear those words. Within a second though my world came crashing down when you told me truth and prepared for the worse in losing our long awaited baby.

I had to tell Ebi. I have tried to conjure up so many scenarios over the years if we got pregnant how could I reveal it to him in the best way. Here I was lying in pain explaining to you we were finally pregnant but we were probably going to lose it. You still tried to stay optimistic all the way through. You never know just how much I love you, I swear.

By I was taken for a scan and the pain disappeared as I searched the screen for our baby and then along with the staff we found it sat outside my womb and it was confirmed our baby was in the wrong place. There was a lovely nurse from the labour ward who I saw felt my emotional pain but she made me feel better in a weird way. She made me smile in amongst all of the panic and up heavel. She told me she had some sexy stockings and a nighty with a friendly wee wink as she dressed me.

Now with the quick actions of the hospital within half of an hour of confirming I had an ectopic pregnancy I was in theatre having emergency surgery.

I had a ruptured left fallopian tube and lost over 3 litres of blood that had been sat in my abdomen causing me the severe pain. My husband met the surgeon who carried out my operation yesterday and he confirmed it was very close. I nearly died. I have had blood transfusions and I am hoping I can get home but what a whirlwind this has been.

We have lost our first baby but I am alive. Thanks to the doctors and all of the nurses who have surrounded me and saved my life.

To my family and friends who have shown your love and support in your actions and your messages. We love you.

TO OUR BABY, I AM SO SORRY WE WILL NEVER GET TO MEET YOU BUT KNOW WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. WE MAY HAVE LOST YOU BUT WE WILL ALWAYS CARRY YOU WITH US.

Good bye our wee Cherub

Demons V Dreams

Image result for dreams

If I am completely honest I have been struggling recently with the ‘parents to be x 2; babies to be loved x 0’ scenario in our life at the moment. Every month it gets harder and harder. What makes it harder is so many people around me are pregnant, falling pregnant, having babies or filling my news feed with continuous updates on how their beautiful (and they really are beautiful) babies are growing and developing. Now please don’t get me wrong I am not one of these women that resent other women for being able to produce miracles. I love it when I hear the great news – more so if it’s someone within my close circle of family and friends because it’s another wee crazy for me to love, cuddle, play with, spoil and be crazy aunty Gemma. To be frank I resent myself for it.

So this has been the case for the past few weeks, the struggle gets heavier and heartbreak unbearable. Then on Tuesday night I had the most surreal dream. It was one of those ‘Virtual Reality Dreams’ where it feels so realistic; you feel what you are touching in the dream, you feel the emotions of the dream and you even mirror the actions of the dream (whilst freaking your hubby out who is just trying to sleep).

So here is that dream:- I was looking down at my stomach and raised my head, I looked back down and in a matter of seconds my stomach was swollen. BAM!!! A big swollen ball – I think to myself why am I so bloated? I reach down and touch my stomach and there’s movement. I’m not quite sure what it is so I feel around and then there’s continuous bumps to my hand as I explore. Then it dawns on me there’s a baby in there and it’s kicking me to let me know ‘mummy I’m here’. I’m finally having a baby. So excited I run to my husband grabbing his hands to feel our miracle. I’ve finally done it. It was a wriggler and I could really feel it move. 

Then I get rushed to the hospital, I’m bleeding. I’m in a fit of panic, I’m repeatedly telling doctors and nurses ‘My baby is coming’. ‘My baby is coming’. ‘It has to come!’ They calm me down repeatedly telling me ‘it’s ok, it’s not time yet but it will be very soon, very soon.’ The dream then jumps to me being in bed, frantically adjusting myself to accommodate my baby bump.

SO much so I actually woke myself up from my dream, frantically tossing and turning whilst holding what was my dream baby bump. Maybe thanks to my subconscious but I could still feel the impact of the baby kicking in my hands. It was one of those dreams you wake from and think ‘what the….’ but then as I do, my overly creative brain began to analyse it.

I have always believed in the power of dreams just as much as I believe that although my wee granny is no longer here physically she is always with me spiritually and I have found comfort thinking maybe the dream was my granny Mamie’s way of letting me know it’s coming, your nearly there – just hold on a bit longer.

In love there is power – that power that will give you that boost of strength you need to make it to the finishing line. I am so grateful to surrounded by so much love – finishing line let’s be having you!!!!

Has Anyone Seen My Mojo???

Struggling to get back to the healthy eating plan.... HELP!!!

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1 Reason Why….. 

I’m sure many people on here like me are joining the ’13 Reasons Why’ fan club but it is something that will hit home with so many of us. It certainly has with me.

Over the years I have been subjected to the abysmal side of other people’s opinions. It resulted in this stereotypical bubbly, outgoing big girl suffering from bad anxiety. It ranged from being criticised for having tattoos, for growing up in a rough area, for being Scottish, for being different, for being arty farty, for not being Nigerian and marrying a Nigerian but most of all for being overweight. 

There are so many times I was criticised for my weight that I couldn’t possibly list them all. What I can say though is every snaring look, every comment, the laughter, the strangers that recorded me whilst I having fun with my friends, the people I grew up with through school hiding from me and I only noticed you because you were hiding and the guys that felt the need to be honest about how they really liked me but nothing could happen because of my size. 

I had always been that person that despite all that people saw as being wrong with me I pushed through, I held my head up for as long as I could, I hid the reality of my anxiety to all around me, even when I struggled to leave my house. Sometimes though your shoulders can only take so much weight.

Have you ever felt this way? If you have like me here is 1 Reason Why you shouldn’t give up….. 

‘you are loved’

I know it’s hard but amongst all the hate in this world there is no greater feeling than feeling loved. It doesn’t need to be the love you feel with a boyfriend/ girlfriend/ husband or wife, it can be a parents love, the love between siblings, a best friend or even a colleague.

Look beyond all the hatred and you will see the love. I have endured hatred with that asshole standing with his friends filming you dancing and laughing, in that same instance I felt the love of my friend kicking him to protect me in her way. 

All of those guys that thought I had the right to know that I wasn’t an option for them because I’m soooo amazing but fat. Believe me guys 99% of the time you were never, ever an option for me either. But the love I feel when my husband looks at me surpasses all negative thoughts I have endured and I got to my largest with him.

Just remember most hatred stems from someone’s own self hatred. Don’t let their opinions leave you wallowing in self pity see the greatestness in yourself, see the love around you and be the greatest you can be. 

The truth is as long as people have mouths they will run them off and as cheesy as this quote may seem it is true. It is so relevant in my life because when shit does get real and the burden is heavy I dance – I mean literally dance my ass off. 

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.

If in doubt reach out guys someone will be loving you more than you know.

Low Syn Blueberry and White Chocolate Chocolate Cheesecake

A delicious low syn cheesecake

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Half Way There – Sugar Free Feb…..

Sugar free February - my journey so far.

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Sweet Potato ‘Guacamole’

Let me be honest firstly, guacamole will never be guacamole without avocado but this syn free alternative is fresh, tasty and has a kick. 

I was making a sweet potato dish tonight and decided to play about with the extra sweet potato I had and this is what i came up with. It was very tasty and a great accompaniment to our mexican themed dinner. 

Ingredients:
2 sweet potatoes 

1 spring onion

Juice and zest of 1/2 lime

1/2 tsp garlic granules

1/2 tsp paprika

1/2 tsp chilli flakes

Handful of fresh coriander (finely chopped)

1 tomato

Pinch of salt and ground white pepper

Method:

Pierce the sweet potatoes with a fork and microwave until soft. Scoop out the insides and put in mixing bowl. Add in the lime juice and zest and mix well. Finely chop the spring onion and tomato and add these. 

I then added all of the other ingredients mixed it well and hey presto – yes it’s that easy.

Let me know what you think… 

Desperation of getting to that next target….

getting-to-target

Sugar Free February…

All in aid of a great cause

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