If I am completely honest I have been struggling recently with the ‘parents to be x 2; babies to be loved x 0’ scenario in our life at the moment. Every month it gets harder and harder. What makes it harder is so many people around me are pregnant, falling pregnant, having babies or filling my news feed with continuous updates on how their beautiful (and they really are beautiful) babies are growing and developing. Now please don’t get me wrong I am not one of these women that resent other women for being able to produce miracles. I love it when I hear the great news – more so if it’s someone within my close circle of family and friends because it’s another wee crazy for me to love, cuddle, play with, spoil and be crazy aunty Gemma. To be frank I resent myself for it.
So this has been the case for the past few weeks, the struggle gets heavier and heartbreak unbearable. Then on Tuesday night I had the most surreal dream. It was one of those ‘Virtual Reality Dreams’ where it feels so realistic; you feel what you are touching in the dream, you feel the emotions of the dream and you even mirror the actions of the dream (whilst freaking your hubby out who is just trying to sleep).
So here is that dream:- I was looking down at my stomach and raised my head, I looked back down and in a matter of seconds my stomach was swollen. BAM!!! A big swollen ball – I think to myself why am I so bloated? I reach down and touch my stomach and there’s movement. I’m not quite sure what it is so I feel around and then there’s continuous bumps to my hand as I explore. Then it dawns on me there’s a baby in there and it’s kicking me to let me know ‘mummy I’m here’. I’m finally having a baby. So excited I run to my husband grabbing his hands to feel our miracle. I’ve finally done it. It was a wriggler and I could really feel it move.
Then I get rushed to the hospital, I’m bleeding. I’m in a fit of panic, I’m repeatedly telling doctors and nurses ‘My baby is coming’. ‘My baby is coming’. ‘It has to come!’ They calm me down repeatedly telling me ‘it’s ok, it’s not time yet but it will be very soon, very soon.’ The dream then jumps to me being in bed, frantically adjusting myself to accommodate my baby bump.
SO much so I actually woke myself up from my dream, frantically tossing and turning whilst holding what was my dream baby bump. Maybe thanks to my subconscious but I could still feel the impact of the baby kicking in my hands. It was one of those dreams you wake from and think ‘what the….’ but then as I do, my overly creative brain began to analyse it.
I have always believed in the power of dreams just as much as I believe that although my wee granny is no longer here physically she is always with me spiritually and I have found comfort thinking maybe the dream was my granny Mamie’s way of letting me know it’s coming, your nearly there – just hold on a bit longer.
In love there is power – that power that will give you that boost of strength you need to make it to the finishing line. I am so grateful to surrounded by so much love – finishing line let’s be having you!!!!