Before I delve into this very personal taboo topic – I am not looking for self pity, this is real to me as it is for many other women and men. I have so many times been asked ‘don’t you want children’ ‘when you going to have children’, ‘oh so you actually want to have children’, ‘your biological clock is ticking you better hurry up’, so many comments made about why I haven’t had any children and one occasion I heard someone I know say to someone else after her 1st attempt at IVF failed ‘God what’s wrong with you’. Let me tell you being on the receiving end of these comments; they can leave you feeling utterly useless but I do personally believe that over 99% of the time these comments are not meant in a nasty way. They’re just out of ignorance.
So I am using my blog as my platform to share my own personal experience. Infertility is something that runs through my head a million times a day. It is something that makes me feel like I am broken, like I’m a failure. It breaks my heart when I look at my husband and I am the reason we don’t have OUR OWN children yet. It is the loneliest feeling I have ever had. But why do I feel lonely? I don’t know; my husband is truly amazing and supports me 100% and of course he wants his own children just as much as me but he has said to me many times ‘with or without children it’s you’ and then there is the fact that I am one of around 7.5 million women struggling with infertility. It leaves you feeling robbed, I mean is it not a women’s God given right to carry her own children? Let’s face it along with multi tasking it’s what sets us aside from men.
I have been married for nearly six years and we have been trying for a baby that same amount of time. So why share my story today? Well today I woke up and I felt bloated – as though my whole body had swollen up over night and I felt horrible. It’s moments like this I feel like a proper failure in my slimming journey and my own slimming journey is to have our baby. This then led to me rubbing my big tummy and feeling empty. Then today on Facebook I saw a video. It was a compilation of celebrities talking about infertility and it really resonated with me. One of those amazing moments when you feel like I’m not actually alone. It was very empowering and I think I was meant to see it today to give me a boost of fight. (as if I’m a Mortal Combat character getting an energy boost to give my uterus a swift kick into action). I did try and get the video on Youtube to share it with you but can only seem to find it on Facebook. I will share it on my Operation Skinny Bitches Facebook page though for you.
I spend a lot of my time tracking my monthly cycle, sexual intercourse, my energy levels, cervical mucus, etc. through an app ‘Cycle’. Sort of takes the fun out of things when your tracking it all but needs must. It just seems that no matter how much I try in be in control as much as I can I’m fighting a losing battle. Your body shows signs that you could be pregnant that you anxiously wait for that time frame to do a pregnancy test, It comes back negative so you do multiple more. These signs can also be signs for other things like your periods but you cling onto that hope. You go through mad stages when your ready to type into Google search ‘when will I be pregnant’ after all Google has every other answer – doesn’t it?
You need that fight, that drive, that focus and believe you me I know how hard it can be to sustain that. For the most part I remain positive, I try to remain optimistic and I fantasise all the time what our children would be like, what they will look like or even what names I like for them. I may seem like torture but it keeps me going. If you suffer from infertility then find your drive and try to not lose hope.
There is so many reasons for infertility and if like me it could be medical like Polycistic ovaries or Hashimoto thyroiditis, then there’s overweight or drinking alcohol, etc. Which you can except and try to change and do something about it but there is times you revert back to that pre-pubescent bitchy moment when you hear that Sharon down the road who is clinically obese, smokes like a chimney and got pregnant after a drunken night out. You find yourself with that bitterness of why her and not me or it could go the other way of finding out what alcohol Sharon drank that night, that old ‘it might just work for me…..’ mentality.
For the most part I have zero bitterness for people around me that fall pregnant, for me it is one of the most wonderfully beautiful things that could happen to anyone woman. One night stand and all- a baby is a blessing and I am not naive I understand there is circumstances that a woman may find herself not feeling this way about being pregnant and it is there right to feel how they want to about their bodies but in my eyes babies will always be blessings. I just adore children really and I am really lucky to have so many around me that love Aunty Gemma. One of our friends oldest daughter actually said to me one night with a kiss on my cheek ‘you’re like my second mummy’ and God I swear I had to fight back the tears. It’s amazing to have and feel that love from a child.
I read a post once from Constance Halls blog likeaqueen.com about ‘Childless Queens’ – http://likeaqueen.com/childless-queens/ and it is so beautiful and an amazing way to look at all the women that haven’t been able to carry their own children. I highly recommend that you give it a read. It definitely allowed me to free some tears but at the same time it gave me some peace. Don’t get me wrong I am not ready to give up my fight and really do feel in my heart of hearts if I push through and keep on my weight loss journey I will get there, we will get there. If I don’t then maybe I am meant to be a second mummy to so many little beautiful faces or maybe once I have pushed as far as I can go we can open our home to the possibility of adoption. There are many avenues but right now our journey is the one where I want to feel our child grow within me.
If you have taken the time to read my post all I ask is be mindful on the comments you make to a women in regards to having children. Our struggle is hard and we may be strong but sometimes that one comment could be the tip of the iceberg for them.
I will leave it with a phrase I have recently learnt from other beautiful women that have dealt with or are dealing with the same issues as me – I’m sending all you mummy’s to be lots of love and baby dust.
***Please note you are not able to buy baby dust from eBay other wise I would be strutting about like a disco ball.